The Frontier

Deborah Tannen argues that conversational styles dictate the length of pauses people tolerate between turns. In her Thanksgiving dinner study, New Yorkers filled silences faster than Californians, inadvertently preventing them from participating in the conversation.

Tannen identifies machine gun questions as rapid-fire, high-pitched inquiries intended to show friendliness and interest. While speakers of the same style enjoy this fast tempo, others perceive it as an aggressive interrogation and withdraw from the conversation.

Direct and indirect communicators often clash over unstated expectations. Tannen uses the birthday present routine to show that indirectness is often a test of intimacy, where asking directly for a gift ruins its value as a symbol of care.

Drawing on anthropologist Gregory Bateson, Tannen distinguishes between the message, which is the literal meaning of words, and the meta-message, which signals relationship dynamics. Conflicts arise when people argue over literal words while reacting to perceived relational power struggles.

Tannen states that gender differences in communication begin in childhood play. Anthropologist Marjorie Harnock's Goodman observed that girls socialize through intimate, shared secrets, whereas boys use language to negotiate status and establish hierarchy in larger group activities.

Tannen identifies hair, clothes, and weight as the primary conflict areas between mothers and daughters. Daughters interpret styling and health suggestions as criticism, whereas mothers offer them as active, protective expressions of care in a world that judges women by appearance.

Conversational speed is entirely relative rather than absolute. Linguist Ron Scollon was interrupted by his wife, Susie, who in turn routinely interrupted Athabaskan Indians because their cultural norm dictated even longer pauses between spoken turns.

Metacommunication, or talking about how we talk, often fails because social norms demand polite evasion. Tannen observes that people will compound indirect excuses rather than directly state they do not want to participate in an activity like lunch.